This article will likely throw many people for a loop, so to speak. That is because many individuals "think" that forgiveness is a good or virtuous thing to do when some one does something bad to them. I wish to dispel that notion completely in this article.. Before I do I also advocate that holding a grudge or reacting violently towards that person is not the answer. That may make you even more confused as few if any other options seem available. Yet there is one that most have never even considered. That is the one I wish to outline here. Let's start with the definition of forgiveness. What are you doing when you choose to forgive someone else? Well if you've thought about it at all, you are a) choosing to accept that the other person is fallible and b) you are choosing to not blame them for their fallibility. So in a nutshell that is what it means to "forgive" someone. Now many individuals who have bought into the "need to forgive others" likely believe that in doing so they will feel like compassionate, caring, loving, understanding, empathic, virtuous, perhaps even saintly human beings. In other words forgiving others is supposed to make you feel wonderful about yourself, correct? So lets look at the real consequences of this act as defined above. Someone has slighted you in some way and you forgive them. What are you doing really? Well part a) of the definition says that you are "accepting" that they are fallible. What exactly does that mean? Well it means that you consider them defective, inadequate, weak willed, stupid, ignorant, and imperfect and so on. How do you think that makes them feel? Well exactly as described but also completely diminished and not in control of themselves. What a wonderful gift to give someone! What's more, if that individual is a big part of your life, as in the case of a relationship, it means that "you" are going to be subject to this "fallibility" for as long as the relationship lasts. How does that make you feel? Well likely frustrated, drained, vulnerable, wary, anxious, avoidant, annoyed each time a slight occurs, irritated or agitated, angry, perhaps becoming violent towards the other person and so on. How does this make you feel about yourself? Well like a coldhearted uncaring terrible person, correct? All of this because you "think" you have to accept the fallibility of the other. Is this what you really want to be doing? With some courage and honesty don't you really want to tell the other person, in a calm and kind way that, they are "responsible for their actions and that if they choose not to do something about them that you will not stick around? Doesn't such honesty feel refreshing for you? Do you suppose it will also be refreshing for the other person who will recognize their role in the unruly behavior and then feel empowered to do something about it? Of course! So what have you just done? Well you have honored both yourself and the other with this new stance. How does that make you feel? Well wonderful I might guess. So you see forgiveness is a trap that has been set to lure you and others into feeling bad. This is all contrary to what you have been taught isn't it? If you wish to move past such ineffective and limiting beliefs then kindly contact me at the web link below where you can arrange an introductory telephone consultation. |
