Libra Hit TV show The X Factor is back on our screens giving us all a rare, legitimate chance to laugh at the mentally ill during the audition stages. In this PC berserk world we now live in, such an activity has become scandalously frowned upon so its only right to thank ITV for reviving this tragically forgotten pleasure by switching on in your droves. Also coming soon to your screens.Black & White Minstrel Idol! Scorpio Its time to confront your partner about their recent suspicious behaviour - the extra hours spent at work, returning home slightly dishevelled and an unwillingness to make love to you because theyre tired. Be bold and act first burn all their clothes and smash their belongings to pieces before confronting them about their infidelity. Do not accept their explanation that theyre doing overtime to pay off all the credit card debts youve run up because they love you and want to enjoy a stress free future with you. Ditch them and find someone that accepts you for who you are a paranoid, insecure, unreasonable, unhinged, spendaholic wholl do whatever a rubbish fictional astrologer tells them. Sagittarius A night out with an old friend makes you realise what a hash youve made of your life in comparison with theirs. Theyve got a better job, better relationship (including regular sex) and a better car and theres absolutely no prospect of you improving matters. Take solace from the fact that they had something nasty hanging out of their nostril for the entire evening. Capricorn This could be a month to really make something of your life. So go out, find a drug dealer, score some crack and heroin and start developing yourself a habit. This advice may fly in the face of previous wisdom on the subject but just look at Pete Doherty the moment he starts getting off his face on junk he gets in the papers every day, scoops a couple of top ten singles, makes a bucket load of money and bags himself a super model girlfriend. Just say no? Just say pass the crack pipe more like. Aquarius What the hell is going on here? Im not getting anything for you Aquariusans (or whatever youre called) this month. Every time I do this chart I just get a sudden urge to rush out and buy a Ford. Bizarre. Pisces DO NOT watch the third programme of the current series of X Factor UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! Apparently theres a hopeful who, in a bad light, may resemble myself slightly (but certainly IS NOT) who sings a wonderful rendition of a Brian McFadden song, and after an utterly unjustified mauling from Simon Wouldnt Know A Singing Psychic Megastar If It Poked Him Up The Jacksy Cowell, ends up crying hysterically in the arms of Kate Thornton. Even though that poor unfortunate WASNT ME (!) Id like to take this opportunity to tell Simon Cowell that hes deprived the country of the greatest musical talent since, well, Brian McFadden. Its your loss Cowell not mine that bloke that looks like me!!! Aries Loss is difficult for anyone to cope with but please remember the old adage that time is a great healer. Your life may, at the moment, seem emptier than a fridge within the vicinity of Eamonn Holmes, but you must cling onto that light at the end of the tunnel Big Brother WILL be back on next year. Taurus September- the month that Summer turns to Autumn and a little happiness disappears from our hearts. Theres a chill in the air where once there was glorious warmth. Those bright summer evenings start being lost to dark, depressing ones. The opportunity of the odd cheap thrill disappears as attractive young people start wearing more clothes and Saturday night TV on BBC1 becomes unwatchable as they trot out another appalling flop of a new series in a bid to compete with Ant & Dec and The X Factor. Its all gone rubbish hasnt it? Hang on though, its not all bad if youre a parent, the kids go back to school! Woo-hoo!!! Gemini The new moon this month brings with it renewed optimism and with it banishes any doubts you had about certain major decisions youve had to make - you were absolutely right not to refuse your best friends fianc when they came on to you recently. Your friend is still on the verge of a breakdown following the death of their mother and would certainly have been in no mood get up to the filthy stuff their fianc demanded of you. You are truly a wonderful friend, a view they will no doubt endorse when you tell them what you did. Id leave it a few years before you do though or perhaps a few decades. Cancer Cancer- terrible name for a star sign isnt it? Surely if we have to have a sign named after an illness or affliction, itd be better if it was something less awful - like Ricketts perhaps or Thrush. Mind you, thered have to be a new symbol to go with it and designing one wouldnt come cheap. Hang on- got it! We can keep the existing symbol and just change the name to Crabs. Bingo! Leo Beware of your short tempered nature and try and keep a perspective on things this month. Weve all been there and it would be a struggle for anyone to retain their composure in similar circumstances but just remember this as infuriating as it is, being asked if you want fries with that when ordering a McFlurry does not give you the right to get the assistant in a head lock, march them out of the door, drive them to a remote location and force them to watch re-runs of Celebrity Love Island. Sicko! Virgo I see cards - greetings cards. Gifts. A cake-with candles on. It looks like some sort of celebration, perhaps even a birthday celebration. Yes its going to be your birthday! Happy Birthday (except those of you born in August)! God Im good. |
